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I enjoy road cycling and especially watching bits of the grand tours. So it is slightly odd to be cunting this race but I find myself getting quite narked at much around the event. Think about F1.

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I'm in no doubt about my intellectual inferiority to Mr Heffer, but i constituency boundary changes are not an innovative, Dave-ist tinkering with the constitution, they've been happening every ten years or so since and ii Hitler wasn't murdering the Jews in or before the invasion of Russia two years later and defending the Jews certainly wasn't a reason for us going to war. Simply because a composer has a certain bent doesn't mean he's untalented or unworthy of adulation. I am a great fan of Tchaikovsky, for example.

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Who, so the BBC can fuck right off! Nominated by: Norman Whiteside The biggest cunt of a National Treasure of them all : Helen Mirren — a woman so far up her own arse she meets herself coming back the other way! Nominated by: Dioclese.

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Simon Bellamy was a member of the original Misfits Gang. At school, Simon was bullied by a boy named Matt. Simon became embarrassed when he thought Matt wanted to meet him in a club, being "accidentally" texted to.

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Simon is a rudderless psy-trance hippie that believes the path to spiritual enlightenment is paved with psychedelic drug binges in an open field. His new found lust for shoe-less forrest stomping is at odds with his luxurious Nedlands upbringing and his attempts to reach zen have consistently been thwarted by uncontrollable acid-induced bowel movements. He is the spiritual Kelvin Krump and society is the ruthless Hermes Endakis, forever trying to pull his free spirited ship to the shores of corporate conformity.

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Last week, in an attempt offset the mammoth workload and do something without pixels, I assembled all of my gig tickets from the last fifteen years. In doing so, the memories came flooding back and I began to compile my top ten gigs as I went. Most disappointing?

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